It is what it is.

“You’re still young.”

As in, I’m still young, and I still have a long way to go. A conversation I had with my co-worker the other night regarding recent events at work kind of enlightened me. 

“You tried to do the right thing and look what happened: it backfired. So next time, be inconsiderate.”

He’s worked there for a while. I don’t think he meant for the conversation to go where it went, but I glad it did. I’ve truthfully told him about my concerns and my ability with this place and he’s been nothing but supportive. One thing that I did really catch that my old co-workers would constantly tell me: You’re still young. I guess I’ve been so worried lately about my career path. It seems like so many people have their shit figured out… and I don’t. I thought I did, but I have no fucking clue. That has been freaking me out since I’ve been trying so hard to “break into” the non-profit field that I’m losing all sense of what really matters to me, and I’m losing sight of what I can become.

I think when we talk he sees that it helps me. And I can’t help feel like he knows something or sees something about me that I can’t. He straight up told me “Girl, this is not your dream job. You can get other jobs. You’re still young and you still have time.” My current job definitely tests every part of my well-being. And often times (96% of the time) I question whether I am the right person to be in this line of work, let alone try and be a mentor, parent, advisor, therapist, etc. to these kids. I’m still young, and I’m not sure I’m mentally mature enough to take this on. 

I used to be such a positive person. This position, out of all the work I did in college and in community studies, is fucking me up so hard. I feel that I’m not a positive person anymore. I don’t look forward to working anymore because I’m scared of not knowing if it’s going to be a good day or if shits gonna hit the fan so quick that I don’t even have time to catch my breath. I’m putting so much of myself into this and its transforming me into someone I do not want to be.

I’m still young. I still have time to transform myself into what I had originally envisioned myself to be. And as of late, “things happen for a reason.” Maybe this is my reason to step back, breath, re-evaluate my path, then move on from there. 

I don’t know where I was going with this, but I needed to write it out. In conclusion: I’m not going to feel bad anymore, I’m still young, and most importantly, I still have time. Now, to not freak out about everything…

I’m at that point…

…where leaving the country and never coming back seems like SUCH A GOOD IDEA RIGHT NOW.

Each and everyday I get more and more confused as to what “path” I want to take. Or, better yet, what path TO take. So many factors, so many feelings, so many options, and “not enough time” or money.

I thought I had it all figured out. And then reality hit and I realized that I absolutely have no idea what the hell I’m doing, or where I’m going.

To Do List:

1. Utilize planner

2. Get my shit together

That should do it.

bon-bon:

The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing.